Hello, loves! This post is probably going to be the most candid I’ve been about myself and my body. I hope to share a story and perhaps help others. All I ask in return is kindness.
I recently have been cast in Fashion Week Columbus as a runway model. Trying to get back into modeling is something I have been debating for several months, as I’m not sure I could take the pressure of an incredibly bizarre industry. I say “incredibly bizarre” because it’s the only arena in which a size 4 or 6 is considered “bigger.” That’s just insane.
I’ve been extra timid to try my hand at modeling yet again because the last time I modeled, I was 19 or 20 years old and my body looked more like this:
Exhibit A: A cup.
And this:
Exhibit B: No ass at all. (Isn't MattyRich so fickin' cute, though?)
It shocks me to look at this!
And now, age 22 and 25 pounds healthier, as I reconsider modeling, I look more like this:
Fuller face.
More booty and booby. Yea, I just said "booby."
Generally, there's just more to me. Like that semi-see-through shirt.
In the first set of pictures, my diet consisted of high-fiber cereal, salads and more salads, as well as a severe need for control over everything I consumed. Nowadays, throw anything at me that isn’t meat, and I’m most likely to eat it (with a glass of wine or a good brew on the side, to boot). At this point in my life, I am not willing to change my diet for the worse. I like how I look, I like how I eat, I like no longer having issues with food, and I am not going to go back in time. The post explaining my history with food struggles and how I got to where I am is for another day, but here’s a hint of it: In Honor Of.
Anyway, after much debate, I have decided to try modeling again with one rule: I am going to do it at the exact size I am now. I refuse to lose weight because that notion is atrocious.
So Monday night, I ventured to Columbus for a fitting. A fitting is where you try on designers’ clothes to see what looks best on which models, and to adjust the garments accordingly.
All the models (about 25 of us) gathered in the center of a dance studio. The fashion week coordinator helped the first designer select models, pointing us out, discussing us and then selecting the models upon which the designer and the coordinator agreed. The first designer pointed to me, and then the coordinator said, “OK, but she’s a [insert larger bra size here].” There was a grimace from the designer, but I was selected anyway.
The first outfit I tried on was a pair of gray pants and a long jacket. Unfortunately, the pants were far too tight for me and were passed along to a thinner model. I ended up with a short, black cocktail dress that I would wear any day, so I was happy. Was I comfortable with being talked about as though I were not a real person and being prodded at as though I were a mannequin? Not exactly, but I know that comes with the job.
I changed back into my own clothes after my picture was taken in the first look. This was changing in front of a room of strangers, mind you. Again, I know this comes with the job.
The second designer for which I was selected placed me in a large, striped cape. It’s actually pretty badass and I’m excited to walk it down the runway.
After having my picture taken in that, I sat back down and waited to see whether I was needed or wanted for another look. Someone eventually came over to the group of models looking for a “bigger” and “broader” girl. I was that girl. I tried on a pair of high-waisted pants and a corset. Though both garments fit, the designer and coordinator decided the look wasn’t right, either on me or on the runway (which, I’m not sure).
So I put my own clothes back on and sat down with the other models.
A few minutes later, a designer approached the coordinator saying, “We need a curvier silhouette for this dress.” The coordinator looked directly at me, pointed and said, “She’s the curviest one we have.”
Having been at both ends of the spectrum, the extremely thin and now the “curvy” end of the models, I wasn’t shocked to hear the coordinator say that. I expected it, actually. And honestly, I felt proud. Proud that even though I had once been curve-less and am now full of them, that I wasn’t waivering in my stance that this is now my size. (And I know, some of you may be thinking, “Kailey, what the hell are you talking about, you’re thin,” but I’m telling you, the modeling industry is insane.) Part of why I’m getting back into it is because I firmly hope and believe that women of all sizes–ALL sizes– will be presented in fashion and magazines. To not feature a full spectrum in fashion and media is an injustice to women everywhere. I also don’t believe in the saying that “real women have curves” because, uh, hello, we’re all real women.
The discourse between the coordinator and the designer continued with the designer saying, “No, not that curvy.” This may render a “WTF?” moment. It was a bit odd to sit there, listen to them, yet not participate in their conversation and pretend that I wasn’t listening.
In the end, I was called over to try on the dress that needed a “curvier silhouette,” and the moment I had it on, the designers all agreed that my body was the “perfect” one for it. That was my little moment of victory of the evening, for damn sure.
Why am I sharing this story with you? For those who may be struggling with eating or body image issues, I want you to know that your body can and may change, and that although it’s a struggle at first, getting to love your “new” body is a beautiful thing. I want you to know that if you feel hopeless and stuck right now, as I have before, that I am here to help you (with completely unprofessional words of semi-wisdom) and maybe offer a glimmer of hope. I am here to help you realize that whatever you want to do, whatever change you want to make for the better, is possible. I am certainly not the epitome of perfect health and body image, but I’ve certainly grown onto a healthier place. It’s taken me a while to realize that this is how I’m meant to look, and it’s taken me a while to love it. How did I get here? Patience and kindness with myself. False confidence until it turned into real confidence. Refection on how I used to feel. I don’t miss having dresses and pants hang off my frigid and aching body. Not one bit. I absolutely love being able to workout, run, dance and walk in the cold without feeling like I might pass out. And, truth be told, clothes look and feel much better now. I feel much better now. That’s really all that matters.
And for those of you who may be blessed enough never to have dealt with aforementioned issues, I hope that maybe this offers an interesting perspective on body image and growth. I was less confident a few years ago, questioning everything I ate, wore, said, wrote, thought, and constantly wondering what others thought about me and my body. It was all related.
Now, entering modeling again, I know that my body is going to be evaluated by relative strangers. The difference between now and a few years ago is that I’m not willing to change. This is me. If someone doesn’t like it, they can choose another model, and I do not and will not take that personally. And when someone wants a “curvier silhouette,” I’ll be here, game to model and rock whatever I’m handed.
Even if it's a Strawberry Shortcake-esque apron. (Sam Adams and naan? Typical.)
Ciao for now,
Kailey
{ 145 comments… read them below or add one }
you’re a hottie. the end.
Kailey,
I went through something similar and have been struggling with accepting my “new” body for over a year. Two and a half years ago, I was a recent college graduate, stressed out beyond belief in a new job; I had always been considered “chubby” (hate that word but it’s a name I was called often), and finally decided to do something about my weight. I became preoccupied with healthy eating and exercising and dropped down to a size 0/2. Although my “healthy” habits were rigid, I had never felt more out of control.
Over the past year or so I’ve gained about 15 pounds. It has been a struggle to accept this new weight, but I am slowly regaining my confidence and embracing my curves.
Your attitude truly inspires me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Kailey doll, thank you for sharing this. You are amazing. I’m so glad that you have found peace with yourself. Nothing is worth going back to that place. You are amazing girl.
Please consider writing a short letter for my “Letters to Me” campaign. I think you would be PERFECT to do this and could potentially help so many young women (and men).
Hope you have a lovely day dear!
XOXOX,
Laur
Lauren- Oh my gosh, I’m so embarrassed that I forgot to reply to your email! I’m brainstorming, for sure!
omg me too!!!!! ahh I am so sorry Lauren!! I really want to help
Girl we are in the same boat. I modelled and was underweight and disordered. I’m much more “curvy” now, and I’m considering getting back into it, but maybe more on the commercial side where there’s slightly less focus on being super thin. (Runway is notorious for being the highest pressure to be thin.)
You are gorgeous, bee tee dubs.
I am so happy that you are alive. You look gorgeous- as we all know- and it’s beautiful to see yourself embrace change and look damn hot doing it. The modellign industry is lucky to have you, as are we. This is getting cheesy, but I think you’re wonderful. End of story.
I love you for writing this. Thanks for making my day gorgeous!
If I was a guy, I’d definitely rather date the “curvy” you!!!! I’m actually very skinny and envy you so much for your body! Stay who you are, kailey!!! <3
I was just going to do a post about this subject. Size 00, me? Not anymore! I actually think I’m in the double digits, but there’s a 1 in there, not 2 0′s. Hell yes for embracing our curves!
Thank you for sharing your story Kailey! Having met you in real life and being a follower of your blog you are gorgous and I certantly envy your body.. It’s scary to think that you would be considered curvy because you are very healthy looking.
Best of luck with whatever career you choose
wow. Your post is extremely inspiring! I love how honest you are and to be able to show that you look 10000 times better now is phenomenal.
You are naturally beautiful with an amazing body… I would much rather look like you any day then those girls
Great post girl. I definitely appreciate your honesty with such a touchy (and potentially triggering) topic, and i think you have a wonderful perspective to share. I also commend you for being PROUD to be the “curviest” model. HA. that is like an oxymoron, but anywho, you are healthy! you are happy! and damnit you are one person i would say that appears (via your blog) to be proud of who you are. I hope girls take from this that loving ourselves is important, and we should not let anyone ever, tell us we aren’t good enough.
You’re beautiful and i think designers are crazy not to choose you. I understand that modeling is a passion of yours and if there is anyone who has the right head on her shoulders to embark into this industry it’s you.
LOVE!
Wow, this post is better than an episode of ‘Project Runway!’
Thank for for sharing your experience. I think it’s pretty badass that you are able to look past the B.S. modeling industry stuff and rock this show your way, under your own terms. And, you get to model a cape? Awesome!
Hopefully there will be some young gals in the audience who see you, “the curviest one,” confidently walking down the runway, looking gorgeous and healthy, and they will realize that they don’t have to conform to any one shape or size. And… that some of the stick models maybe look a little sick!
Looooove this – so happy that you’re happy and that you’re out there showin’ ;em who’s boss!
xoxo,
Jil
thanks love. your honesty is (as always) a breath of fresh air. your bod is bangin’ and i still dont understand why designers make clothes for sizes that dont exist. wouldnt they sell more if they made clothes for real people? maybe im approaching this with a business perspective rather than a fashion perspective, but i hope your post and second go in the model world can bring change and awareness like you said.
Two comments in two days, but I had to say that when I read:
“More booty and booby” I immediately thought, “and beauty.” MUCH more beauty now.
Good luck in changing perceptions on the runway; if anyone can do it, you can.
You are beautiful inside and out
Thanks for this!
This is an amazing post, and YOU are amazing. This reminds me a lot of a recent Women’s Health issue that had Brooklyn Decker on the cover and she was talking about how, as a size 4, she often is thought of as too big or curvy for a job, and finally she got to a point where she was like “eff this, i’m going to be my healthy and beautiful self, and if you don’t like it, suck it”. and after that moment, her self confidence went through the roof and she actually started getting MORE jobs.
Personally, I am really hoping for a change. I WANT to see healthy, fit girls on magazine covers, not 00 waifs. I don’t know if you ever read them, but when I was in junior high I was obsessed with the Sweet Valley High books and in them the twins (who are the main characters) are always described as a “perfect size six”. Obviously there is a part of this statement I do not agree with, and that is the “perfect” part, as perfect is what is best for YOU and what makes YOU FEEL YOUR BEST, but I have to wonder, how did we as a culture go from a size 6 being the ideal to a double zero?! It’s just sad. And it makes me feel sadder that I wasted so much time letting it affect me and my body image, and I’ve finally gotten to a place where I actually LIKE MYSELF. (I’m working on love, but we’re all works in progress right?)
I’m pretty small, only 5’3, but I have a budonk butt and boobs, and you know what? I (and my boyfriend) wouldn’t have it any other way. :]
Keep on keeping it real. Please.
P.S-“A size zero? I’ve never heard of that. That didn’t exist when I was growing up. When did that start? What does it mean? It means a person is not there, no? It makes no sense.”-Heidi Klum
did you know that when they updated the series, apparently the twins went from a size 6 to a size 4? Guess it’s not the perfect size anymore! So ridiculous.
http://gawker.com/5004617/random-house-proudly-promoting-eating-disorders
Awesome story, Kailey. Back in the peak of my eating disorder I did a bit of bridal modeling for Dillard’s, and I was constantly feeling the pressures among the other girls. At barely a size two and 108 pounds, I still was heavier/curvier. I don’t even want to know what they’d say about my current size 4/6 figure! Congratulations on moving above and beyond the expectations, and for the record? I think you look AMAZING now!
There are no words for how awesome this is. Seriously- you’re an inspiration. Though I think the designers are seriously on crack for choosing only you as the “curvy” contigent, I know you’ll rock it. You’ll stand out and get the attention you deserve because you look so much more radiant and natural than the waif girls. Good luck with everything love!! (Now I’m off to eat something tasty…would it be weird to drink the beer I have in the fridge alone at 1pm? Just saying…)
its amazing how u are so confident with urself! even though i say i no longer “have” an ED, i know that i don’t exude confidence in my body at all. Every day i have those moments where i think, “wow one year ago i was __ pounds lighter” and “wow these jeans were loose before.” I know that ppl tell me i look healthier and better but i cant seem to let it go. I really cant wait until i can say with confidence that my ED is gone. BEcause even though the calorie diary is gone, I know my lack of confidence in the image of myself is still ever present. Again u are serving as an inspiration and i love ur candid posts!
<3 work those curves <3
I love that you love you. I’m inspired!
you. are. amazing. :]
thanks for sharing, this really hit home for me!
You have my “ideal” body, and one that I would love to see for ALL models!! Who says that a stick frame wears clothes “better”? It IS such a ridiculous industry.
totally agree. you look gorgeous & HEALTHY.
Kailey,
Thanks so much for sharing- what an inspiring story! You are gorgeous and I’m glad you are comfortable enough to combat the craziness of the modeling industry.
thank you for continuing to have the confidence to put yourself out there, kailey. i think you are wonderful, and your goals for modeling are wonderful. i really applaud you on being proud to be the curviest model (which is absurd that you were, but that’s another topic altogether). i’ve come a long way, but that is a perspective i haven’t achieved yet.
i am with you 1000% on how motivating the past can actually be. i don’t miss the exhaustion, the isolation, the inability to concentrate, the fact that i was always so effing cold. i truly love my life now, and i could never maintain the lifestyle, the job, the crazy schedule that i do if i were to go back there. i’m too happy here, even on the days where i don’t feel my best. congrats on getting to where you are too.
I was going to say something about “this is why I quit pursuing stage as my career” but changed my mind because, Kail, THIS is how the industry changes. One person at a time reaching out to others, being fearlessly proud of a perfect body (which is what you have). Fashion and fitness magazines make their money selling women poor self-esteem (“read this article to find out how to lose seven pounds while you sleep!” “10 days to a better you!!” etc), and so many of us have bought that bullshit because it’s been fed to us from these “respected” media sources for years. I call it indoctrination – we’ve literally been brainwashed to think we shouldn’t like ourselves and that we should be constantly striving to be real-life airbrush-perfect. Glad you posted this – I hope (I know) it will reach others who need to hear it.
Apparently I’m feeling very parenthetic today.
Girrrrllll all I can say is “DAMN YOUSE A SEXY CHICK.” The fashion world is insane at times. But you can rock some killer looks, girl. Especially during dance parties in the living room of N. High Street
Good luck at Fashion Week!! I’m sure you’ll kill it.
I usually get torn apart for commenting negatively on your blog, but it’s only because I comment when I want to disagree or debate (not to be antagonistic, but because I believe that hearing different opinions and voicing dissent is a wonderful way to have great conversations and open my mind), and never when I agree (which is the majority of the time). However, this was a lovely and honest post and I think you’re admirable to have written it. I think that when bloggers are truly vulnerable and honest about their bodies, emotions, etc, then it’s a wonderful thing for themselves and for all the readers. I enjoyed your post and hope to read more like them!
It must be so strange to be in a world where by any other standards you would be considered slender, and you are thought of as curvy. I really commend you for your body confidence despite what I imagine must be considerable pressure at times- I hope to also one day be able to love my body for how it is today, and not for what it used to be. Thanks for being a pretty darn good representative of what self confidence can, and should be like!
Kailey! I adore this post. You have become such a strong, confident, glowy, BEAUTIFUL woman! I love the fact that we are both tall ladies striving to rock our height & the confidence all day erreday! I’m growing more and more by the day, and learning to love, respect and nurture my body in the process. I can confidently say that a majority of my friends would kill for your body! Funny thing is– you don’t need to “kill” yourself for an awesome, healthy body, and everyone’s built differently, so we shouldn’t strive to look like anyone else anyways. We are all different and I’ve loved watching you progress so so much over the past year or two!
You’re amazing. The modeling industry better get ready! Do NOT let their madness change you
Love you!
You go girl
This is an amazing and beautiful post and you are absolutely freaking GORGEOUS just the way you are!
Your beautiful Kailey. You do not even realize how much of a powerful/unbelievable effect you have on me and I’m sure sooooo many others. God bless you girl!
I normally don’t comment on blogs, though I’m a long-time reader, but this post made me so happy. Happy for you, and happy for girls who are struggling who will read this today and perhaps take a step toward self-love and inner peace. I believe that we all, as women, deal with these demons, but some need another woman to show them it’s ok to let go of all of the restrictions and self-loathing. Also, I think many women would appreciate reading about your journey toward health, should you feel comfortable enough to share (it is highly personal, of course). That being said, I hope that you are successful in your renewed pursuit of modeling!
What an interesting post. The modelling world sounds exactly like you said, a bit cuckoo. But kudos to you for rocking yourself and finding success!
For the record, I think weight/size are not even a part of what makes a person beautiful, BUT that being said you look absolutely gorgeous in your most recent pictures! (Of course you’ve always been pretty though!)
Self-love is the most beautiful thing and you’ve got that!
I think you look great now! I don’t know how I would handle people talking about me like that right in front of me! So strange lol
Ugh! Why can’t the industry just be all models of REGULAR size? Which is what you are. I think it’s way more attractive and those who are naturally that thin, (which isn’t that many girls in my experience) couldn’t possibly be enough of them to go around for the whole of the modeling industry.
I’ve asked before if I’ve ever modeled and I have thought about it before, but I honeslty just don’t have the tough skin for it. To be picked apart like that on a daily basis? No thank you! But I hope everything works out for you and many jobs come your way! I’d put you in my advertisement! Haha!
Congrats on getting back into modeling and doing it on your own terms. You have a very pretty look and I could see you being a very successful model. Though, I wish I could tell that designer to f$#@ off for referring to you as a “bigger and broader girl” because you’re so slender.
You look great at either weight
Good luck and do what makes YOU happy. I hope much success comes your way!
WAHOOOOOOOO! That’s my excitement, my pride, my joy and so much more all the way from Europe to you! Can you feel it?
I know this industry so well and I know you must be strong and confident, but it’s so possible. And you’re doing it, yes girl! YEAH!
Serious, this is another beautiful example of sharing and I’m so glad you did it again. You rock, and please…never forget that and if you ever doubt: read your own post. Don’t loose a single size, inch, whatever…you are YOU and you are gorgeous!
Beautiful.
This post really made me happy… I’m a lot like you in the tall and slim way… only I wish I could have curves like yours and I would totally gain weight on purpose to get them, but I think it’s partly genetics. Thank you for writing something so spot-on and intellectual, it really gave me another reason to smile today!
I adore you
You are amazing. That’s tall.
Whoops, I meant to say “that’s all” – but you are tall too, and that rocks.
Oh my gosh, Kailey, thankyou soo much for writing this post. I have been a follower of your blog for quite some time and I always looked to your confidence, realism and funkyness as something to aspire too. You have really written on a human level that I can definitely relate to and benefit from. I too want to be that girl whos healthy, happy and able to work out, dance and go out and wear nice clothes. I will be bookmarking this post.! thanks
fi
xxx
Thanks for sharing – this is an interesting first hand look into the modeling industry. I am glad you take pride in your body – it’s the only one you have and it shows when you take care of it. And you do.
You are beautiful. THANK YOU for sharing this, love!
Thank you for sharing this story! I think you are gorgeous just the way you are – I am going to read your “in honor of” post right now!
i love you and your booty and booby.
Loved the post. Hats off to you honey!!!
And this is why I freaking love your blog
You are truly an inspiration!
Thanks for writing such an honest post. I know you inspired a lot of girls just now.
Kailey, you are an amazing writer, role model, and person. I wish I were home so I could see your fashion show!!! You are GORGEOUS inside & out and I hope you always have the attitude you have right now because i truly believe that you can make a difference in the modeling agency. You are still so thin but not in a way that seems unattainable to girls who may look up to fashion models. I loved this post soooo much & feel REALLY inspired.
A beautiful post, Kailey. It must have been so hard to sit there and be talked about, but I am SO proud / envious / excited about your attitude! I’m coming to terms with gaining a little weight lately too, and this is just the post I needed! Thanks!
You are a WRITER, girl. And an awesome person to boost with great content and a fantastic perspective on life. That is why I love your blog and have been reading it for a year and a half. This story was amazing. Thank you so much for sharing!
“I also don’t believe in the saying that “real women have curves” because, uh, hello, we’re all real women.”
This post made my day, especially this line. I feel that within the struggle of trying to fit in with our bodies, the girls who are in between thin and curvy are left confused.
wonderful/inspiring post.
I’m so proud of you girl!! Actually, it kind of bugs me that they either have skinny models, or plus size, with out anything in between. You represent more real, healthy girls. You are gorgeous at any size! Work that runway baby!!
Yesterday I was actually considering going back to modeling and I said(and even posted it) “but I have to lose weight”!! you’ve made me seen things differently. Love you!
xoxo Lola
Good for you Kailey! I really admire your dedication to just be yourself. As e.e. cummings wrote:
“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.”
Let’s keep livin out this quote girl….big fan!!
this i an amazing post, kailey. thank you so much for sharing a “behind closed doors” look at the modeling industry. fascinating reading! i admire you for sticking to your guns, so to speak.
i really needed to hear your message today – you are a strong and positive role model – i am looking to gain about 25 lbs and am excited for this transformation, yet a little scared, too!
all the best as you pursue your goals. you’re a wonderful role model.
Thank you so much for sharing this! I applaud your attitude and the fact that you are willing to be strong and stand up for yourself! You are a great role model, keep it up!
Hey Kailey I read your blog most every day, but I’ve never commented. I just want to thank you. I think you’re a beautiful person with one of the best attitudes and outlooks on life that I’ve ever encountered. You are going to be great, anything that you do, you’ll be winning in life. This I’m sure
What a beautiful, beautiful post. You are gorgeous, and you are going to ROCK the modeling world again
xo
Kris
You’re awesome.
And it never fails to be bizarre to me that designers don’t do more designs for sizes over “sample” size. (A) that’s the majority of the buying public, and (B) surely it’s a better showcase of their skill to design an outfit that flatters and shows off the contours of a woman’s body than one that looks the same both on the hanger and on the curve-less body.
I agree inifity percent!
Bravo, Kailey. Thank you so much for this post. As someone battling ED and on the road to recovery, this post was so inspirational. You’re BEAUTIFUL and totally rockin’ that apron!
God bless<3
This made me tear up. Thank you for being so honest and real and sharing in the hopes of reaching someone who needs it. I assure you, this post speaks to really personal issues that I am having and it helps to hear from someone who has gone through the same control issues I feel. You’re gorgeous and don’t ever lose that confidence!
This is why I adore you and your blog. You are absolutely, sublimely perfect the way you are right now. You look like a woman – healthy, vibrant, happy and alive. The ideal. <3 The fashion industry will catch up with the rest of the world at some point.
Hey Kailey,
I have never commented before, but I have been reading your blog for months now. I love reading about your fun adventures, seeing your yummy snacks, and hearing about everything you are dealing with emotionally too.
Thank you sooooo much for this post! I love getting to know you better and I am so proud of you for not giving a s**t about what they said, because you are beautiful and your confidence is just adds to the hotness! I hope I can grow to feel the same way and embrace my body the way it is.
While I could stand to bet “fitter”, it’s not about accepting how I will look. It’s about loving my body in the process
Thank you again!!!
Tina
p.s. You GO girl!!! Hit the industry by STORM Kailey!!!
wow – i feel like you just described me. I was scouted to model when i was 15 – you know prime age, young/naive/no hips etc. but finished school before pursuing it, by which time my hips had suddenly appeared = years of low self esteem/confidence in everything i did/said/acted and have always thought that if i could be a model that that would mean i was finally good enough – but like you said fashion sizing is crazy and i almost went crazy trying to achieve that. it is so difficult to let go of the idea that i could be a better version of me if i was a model (thin,beautiful,successful) but i am slowly learning that that is not real. thank you so much for this post, you don’t know how much better you have made me feel. i am realising that i don’t want to be a model, i want to be a healthy, confident, happy woman and that is what is truly beautiful. So power to you for being just that Kailey and not succumbing to crazy ‘ideals’. I always thought the best models were the ones that were strong enough not to be changed by the industry, but be their true and original selves!
Sorry for the long rant! xx
thank you for sharing! this was truly wonderful to read. i, like many others, have been there, and don’t miss it all. though i’m still adjusting to my new body, posts like this only help me to do so. holler at curves. and whut!
Wow, I needed to read this. Over the last year I’ve gained a much healthier relationship to food (and carbs). But, not surprisingly since I was very thin before, I’ve gained some weight. Thank you for reminding me that my body is truly beautiful at it’s healthiest, and I’m in a much, much much healthier place physically and emotionally right now. And you know what? My legs and ass look a lot better!
Xoxo
This post really resonates with me and my history with body image. Can I just say that I LOVE that you call yourself “25 pounds HEALTHIER?” In a world where woen are brainwashed to believe that being thin = healthy and happy, this is a refreshing. Thanks for this post and rock on!
Caroline
correction: this is refreshing* (grammar police
)
You know, I don’t know if you’ve followed the Marie Claire vs. HLS bloggers debacle, but after reading through angry statements,rants, rebuttals, etc I realized, “And this is why Snackface is my favorite healthy living blog” No seriously.
The very fact that you update it when you have time- and not at specific times a day- makes me feel that the writing is organic instead of the not-so-subtle “Im-hoping-to-turn-this-into-my-book/tv show/exclusive sponsorship-deal” style of blogging that often leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Dude, I love your honest words, and hope you continue on this path (even if you DO get a book, er, magazine writer deal).
You have the height for modeling; you definitely have the figure for modeling (although I believe what you’re saying because, um, have you seen the size of Chanel Iman’s thighs?! lol). I think most importantly though, you have the face and the “it” quality of a supermodel. Heidi Klum just hung up her wings…I’m just saying. lol
Anyways boo, you keep glowing and thriving. besos.
You’re amazing! I think it’s so inspirational that you didn’t respond to the comment about you being curvy with tears, but instead with pride (P.S. I think they’re crazy for labelling you as “curvy”, but whatevs). It really shows what an awesome body image you have! I hope you go really far with your modelling and change the industry’s wacko standards.
“I absolutely love being able to workout, run, dance and walk in the cold without feeling like I might pass out. And, truth be told, clothes look and feel much better now. I feel much better now. That’s really all that matters.”
I loved this part of the post…well actually i just LOVED this whole post! It really did make my day and you are truly an inspiration to me kailey
love, jenna
Great post Kailey! You’re really brave to take all of that and still come out feeling strong and happy. Really amazing. Thank you so much for sharing!
Easily the best post you’ve ever written
thank you for this.
AMAZING post. and thank you.
Im struggling right now (high school senior… compounding stress) and this post hit home.
Okay, first of all, I think it’s sad that they considered you the “biggest” girls. Ugh, girl your body is absolutely perfect and if all of the other models were noticeably smaller, than they must have been twigs!!! It’s so sad to know that the modeling world has not changed, but girls like you are the reason why there is hope. You rock always!
Um, you are me HERO! I’m not even kidding. seriously, you are amazing girl! I cant stress enough how much the WORLD needs people like you!!! Your are going to change things. Crystal Renn IS MY favorite model. Seriously, I have a MONSTER crush on her, she is so frickin hott!!!!
PS I dont see much of a difference in your weight in those pictures. I know you can see a difference but it isnt that big in my eyes, I would guess 5 lbs! Seriously..
Dana xxo
PS please keep doing your thing, you have made my day! hell, you probably made my week.
your amazing kailey, thank you for writing this! when i had lost a ton of weight and looked like someone had taken all my curves away nothing fit me right, now that i’ve gained some weight back i actually have a little bit of a butt and fill thing back out, and not to mention i got my boobies back! love u girl!
I wish you nothing but the very best of luck. you are too stunning of a lady for anyone to pass up on. GO GET EM.
I’m so glad you wrote this. It made my cry, to know that you are so comfortable with your body even when all those people are saying you’re curvy and to love yourself, I can only DREAM of feeling that way about my “new” athletic figure. THANK YOU.
Thanks for embracing and loving the body you’ve grown into. Curves are the things that separate us from the girls! You’re fit, healthy and clearly gifted with a beautiful brain, too!
Wow, Kailey, I loved this.
When I started reading this, I had no idea I would love it so much and that would it touch me so much.
I used to be thinner–about 15 lbs thinner and now am bigger and curvier. I still love the way I look, but sometimes in my head think I should go back to the way I was–but I know thats never going to happen because I don’t want to live that life anymore.
and as you say, rock what you have now.
Thanks
you are soooo role model (no pun intended heheh) material. really, your awesome. Im glad for this attitude, and glad you have it! and you look absolutely GREAT now!!!
“I want you to know that your body can and may change, and that although it’s a struggle at first, getting to love your “new” body is a beautiful thing.”
This resonated with me so much Kailey–especially now after gaining 15 pounds after an eating disorder, which I’ve never really been open with. Your positive attitude about health, and about life in general, is truly a gift to others.
Hannah
Thank you so much for sharing this. I have dealt with eating issues in the past and became involved with modeling. As I have become healthier, I put on a healthy 10 pounds. While it’s hard to get used to it, I am beginning to realize that I love my curves and I should appreciate my body, not hate on it because it isn’t thinner because in reality I didn’t look better with my bones showing. You’re such an inspiration and I really look forward to reading about how you rock the runway!
I wish that every girl in the world could read this and realize that skinny doesn’t equal happy. At my lowest weight I was completely miserable and I looked horrible even though I was technically at a healthy weight for my height. However, it wasn’t a weight that was healthy for my mind or body and I’m so happy to have come back to reality so that I can live a happier life
I’m glad that you’ve chosen to do the same! I hope that someday beautiful, curvy, real women can be the norm in the modeling industry.
As I look over your old pictures, I place my thumb over your face to where I can only see your body and think to myself, gee if I didn’t know better I could almost think I was looking at a picture of my 11 year old son. Immaciated is not beautiful, it is not sexy, it is not feminine. How women were ever convinced to buy into the lie that that is what we should be is beyond me. Its like crocs shoes. I don’t care what the media tells you, use you’re eyes and common sense, its hideous!!! lol. You’re body now is beautiful, and you are positively glowing. Keep up the healthy lifestyle. It looks good on you.
Great post! As someone who is in recovery, I enjoy reading about your transformation. You have such a positive attitude and it is refreshing. Thanks for sharing this!
Kailey, Thank you so much for this post. It made me smile and even if just for a moment remember that I am my own person (as you are) and no industry or standard has the right to define me. Your blog has helped me take the first steps on the road to recovery and has kept me focused to stay on that road. Thanks for being so honest and for being such a beautiful soul.
P.S. Have you read Crystal Renn’s “Hungry”? It is an empowering recount of her days as an all-too common disordered model. In it she also tells her tale of how she overcame the negative pressures put on her and is campaigning for models of all sizes to appear in fashion. I think you would strongly identify with her mission and would enjoy this book.
Have you read crystal renns book hungry? I love her, shes probably my favorite model..
http://stylenews.peoplestylewatch.com/2010/10/05/crystal-renn-walks-in-paris-fashion-week/?xid=rss-topheadlines
check out this article!
Thanks for the beautiful post! Great to hear you have such confidence- it’s inspirational. It’s great to hear something more personal from my favorite bloggers from time to time, it keeps it real!
oh.. my.. gosh.. WOW seriously this post was incredible. Your strength and confidence is soo attractive and so beautiful. I LOVE how you can stand your ground and appreciate the health that God has given you. you seriously look FREAKING INCREDIBLE! Yes, you are still a slim girl but you have CURVES and you are healthy. The skinny bodies models have make them look like 10 year old boys, who wants that? I adore this post girl and your attitude towards it all.. you..are..so.. HOT
Thank you so much for this post. I think it resonates with so many of us who probably struggled with eating issues in the past. Although we understand that our healthier, curvier bodies are really the way that we should look, there’s always that lingering voice that needs to be quieted every once in a while. I really think that you are amazing – you are beautiful and should definitely pursue modeling … and I am so glad that you went into it with the mindset that you did!
you rock.
This is just what I needed to read. All that I can say is thank you so much for being honest!!! It brought me to tears because I relate so much (not to the modelling but to the accepting yourself as a bigger size.) I love that you said “25 pounds healthier.” You absolutely rock my socks (and yours) and don’t EVER let anyone intimidate you. You’re such a gorgeous girl, inside and out
Thank you again
Katy
xxx
xx
x
Kailey….I just love you. LOVE. YOU.
This post hit home – every single word. This industry is so crappy when you look at it objectively: tall waifs of women (some natural, which I’m all for, and most NOT) making shittons of money simply because they are so skeletal that they are more object than living, breathing, vivaciously human. Girls like us, who OH MY GOSH are bigger than a small B cup and OH MY LORD have QUADS and GLUTES and GOD FORBID are past the 115-mark, losing jobs because we look more like the consumer than the clotheshanger. Why do we love it? I know I love it because it is like acting – it makes me feel MORE myself and exposes me HONESTLY. I am rarely self-conscious in front of a camera, because once I am there and having my picture taken, there’s no turning back. I am me, and I am me at my best. A fun, sexy, silly, complicated WOMAN who might just have the whole world figured out. And I truly hope you feel all these things when YOU are modeling. You deserve all that and more.
I still struggle with seeing pics in which I deem myself “chubby” (ugh, well, chubbier than I was when i was a 00!), or when there’s something unflattering goin’ on. But I am working on it. I really am. Hopefully, those feelings I have “in the moment” can grow and become the same feelings I feel upon looking back at the gig and the photos (or video, if I’m spokesmodeling). And THAT is when I KNOW I will truly succeed.
You’re already a step ahead of me in that you have those great feelings in AND out of “the moment.”
And THAT, my bloggie friend, is why you are already on the path to success.
xoxo
You rock sexy lady
This is ridiculous! Your 25 pounds went to boobs and butt! That’s, like, everyone’s DREAM.
I don’t get it. 99.9% of women in America would kill their mother to have your body, but you’re not the ideal model type? HUH? I must really, really dumb.
Great, the fashion industry makes me doubt my body weight AND my intelligence!
Kailey, you’re my hero! Seriously.
Comment #98, Im sure I am not going to say anything “new” but I will say great for you for posting this, for having such an awesome attitude, for having your head screwed on straighter than most 40 year old women who are still struggling w/ their body confidence/self esteem issues…you got that sucker licked by age 25. GREAT! And of course, you look bangin’
Kailey,
i have been following your blog from the first day on.. you helped me with my own struggle every day with your words.. this post and the last one some time ago concerning your struggle with eating mean a lot to me.
I cannot say more than thank you,
love from germany,
sarah
I follow your blog but I never comment, because apparently that’s how I roll. Just wanted to thank you for this, and for your amazing blog in general. You’re so inspiring. This post really hit me as I’m going into an eating disorder treatment center for the third time tomorrow, after an 8 year struggle. You give me hope. You are so upbeat and real and bursting with life and bold. You’re a true role model. Gorgeous and healthy and herself. Mad props girl, mad props.
You are beautiful and so is your attitude – love love love it!!!
Kailey, I’m SO excited for you! I love that you are in such a great place and I love that you are going to model because you love it and love yourself, most importantly. Good luck! can’t wait to follow your beautiful adventures!
Wow, those old pictures are haunting. I remember hanging out with you at the time and thinking that you looked normal; I even recall wanting to look more like you (still true for BATS reasons today). But I also remember how much you worried. I remember going to restaurants and seeing you worry yourself sick over what to order and ending up with a plate of lettuce. Eating in the dining hall at school and seeing you pick around a veggie burger, doused in ketchup.
Who knew that two years later we would be eating cheese fries and ordering more? It’s not so much about the food as it is your carefree attitude now. You are so much happier.
I am so proud of you for your progress and that you can feel great about having the most bangin’ BATS instead of calling me in a panic that you need to lose 10 lbs.
Love you forever,
Muffin
I found this post through I’m An Okie — what a wonderful post. Every day I work on loving myself more and I pray for the day when it all just “clicks” — hearing your story is very inspiring. Thanks for sharing!
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.
as someone recovering from an eating disorder where i had complete lack of curves to a strange and difficult newfound “woman shaped” body I needed this.
this inspires me to stay strong and love every inch of who i am.
It’s so crazy that you are considered a curvier model! The fashion world’s view of thin is so unhealthy. BUT you are healthy and beautiful- I’m excited for you to start modeling again and not feel pressured to change your body. Work it lady!
I love your comment about the phrase, “real women have curves” – as a smaller, less curvy woman, that phrase has always annoyed me too! Just because I have small boobs doesn’t make me less of a woman! Haha. No but seriously, it’s really true that ALL women, no matter what they look like, have insecurities, and it’s frustrating when people assume you shouldn’t, or shouldn’t talk about them, just because you’re thinner (or curvier, or whatever!). I love this post and the you that you are now!
Hi
I’m new to your blog, and I LOVE it. I just read this post & it touched me in so many ways.
I want to give you a big HUG & tell you thank you so much!! Sometimes things just hit you, and this certainly did.
I did also want to say that I CANNOT believe they called you curvy. I think you look awesome, and healthy! And still thin, but in an athletic kind of way- you’re absolutely gorgeous!!
Thanks for such a great read!!
i’m so pleased you exist. this is wonderful.
having been through the plight so many here have, i can honestly say that reading your positive spin on daily life and food has been such a great inspiration to my own attempts to live.
seriously, i discovered the blogging world (and at the forefront of that, your blog) at a point in which my disordered life was finally coming to an end, and i like to think that being able to read the words of such strong women played a role in that.
it’s been a long trip for us all, but i’m glad we’re all here; stronger for what we had lost but finally gained.
SO MUCH THANKS.
i can’t even tell you how much i just want to give you a big ol’ hug for this. this IS what women need to read – every. single. one. of. us.
you are an inspiration to so many, and please tell me you will give us a full recap of you struttin’ down the runway in all your curvy glory.
hugs and SO MUCH love,
holly
You couldn’t have said this any better! I modeled back during high school and I distinctly remember the pressure from my agency to “get down to a size 2.” That really made me develop an unhealthy relationship with food and exercise and after awhile, I just stopped modeling. I was over it. Now, with a much healthier outlook toward nutrition and exercise, I would like to pursue modeling again too. I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one who feels like the industry puts insane pressure on girls to be a certain size, and I think you’re doing the right thing by not changing your body in order to “fit in” to the modeling industry! And you’re totally going to rock Fashion Week
heyyy! just so you aren’t like “who is this chick?” I facebook/emailed ya(didn’t know which one you check more)!
<333
You are beautiful, inspirational and honest. What a wonderful post and appropriate timing with all the current blog drama!
Hi Kailey! I know we’ve been twitter friends for a while, but this is the first post I’ve actually read on your blog, and I am so grateful and refreshed by your honesty. Thank you for posting this. I am a new faithful reader/subscriber
I agree with everyone else, this post (and you!) is so inspirational! It is by far my favourite post from you yet
Dear Kailey,
I have been a “lurker” on your blog & other health blogs for the last year-ish. While I have always enjoyed reading your blog because of your upbeat and relateable attitude, this is the first time I have felt compelled to comment.
I come from a very similar place as you – battled with anorexia for years in mid-college, then swung the other way and experienced binge eating and purging. After years of counseling, I have finally gotten to a place where I eat intuitively and for pleasure. This journey has taken me from (at 5’6″) 93 lbs at my lowest, to around 136 at my highest. I have now settled in at 125 lbs, and I know I am at a healthy weight. I am out of college and in the working world, and I know that I am a normal size. Emotionally, I feel free and happy, but when I look in the mirror I still struggle to smile at myself. In a sickening way, there is a part of me that longs to see a 93 lb girl with clothes hanging off of her. I truly blame it on the constant brainwashing by the media to believe that ematiated is attractive. My mind has been completely warped. So while I am not completely in the place of a healthy mindset, I am working to get there every day.
Like you, I have a supportive family, a boyfriend that loves me, and a handful of friends that feel like sisters. It is so helpful to be surrounded by love and acceptance, and I only hope that one day my mind will begin to feel complete self-acceptance as these others have accepted me as I am.
Thank you for what you do, and thank you for this post. You don’t know when you write things what effect they may have on your readers, but you brought this reader to tears.
I started a blog and write in it randomly, but by following you (and a few others) the last few weeks, I think I have been inspired to pick it back up again. Thank you.
You are a (virtual) role model to me: full of life, witty, sweet, and insanely beautiful. Stay as you are.
Natalie- Thank you, thank you, thank you for reaching out and commenting. Your story is so important! Looking in the mirror can be difficult when we’re accustomed to an image of waifishness. During the period in which my body started to change, I had no television, bought no magazines and was essentially away from mainstream media. It was an unintentional departure, but not having those images around helped me immensely! Now when I look at my favorite fashion sites and mags, I am horrified to think that looking like one of those models whose thighs are as big as my arm was once a goal of mine. We are capable of physical and mental change; I believe it just takes time, positive thought and practice at changing our mindsets.
so inspiring and helpful! I used to be 15 pounds skinnier than I am now and boy are these blog posts helping me! Rock yo body!
my first job out of college was an accountant with Saks Fifth Avenue… I was asked by the PR Director to model Saks clothing twice a month for our local morning television program – like a local Today Show…
As a size 8 I was the curvy and “plus” sized model. yes, I am curvy and LOVE THAT. I’m not gonna change!
but plus size was CUH-RAAZY. Outside of that it was FUN so I did it for the several years I worked there… but yeah. weird. I’d hear them whispering “oh, this won’t fit her”. Luckily I somehow have always had a pretty confident attitude, but it still sucks that people think this way. What if I wasn’t confident? That could have TOTALLY had a major negative impact. Gross.
Good luck to you, and I LOVE YOUR confident attitude !!
uhh, you may identify as ‘curvier’, but you’re not curvy. FYI, you’re still a model.
easy to say to love your body, when your body’s still gorgeous and everyone else knows it…
Thank you thank you thank you. I cannot begin to tell you how much this post spoke to me. You are amazing! And oh so beautiful!
love, love, love this.
THIS is what “healthy living blogs” are all about.
Gracie- AGREED!!! I’ve had at least 200 people comment, email, Facebook or text me in regards to this post. Now THAT is what this community should be known for!
When I was 18 I decided that I wanted to try my hand at modeling. I lost fifteen pounds from my size 4 frame and thought I loved my body but after a year of torturing myself (and everyone around me) to maintain this impossible size (5’10″ and a 0 is NOT healthy) my boyfriend and family finally made me realize that I was hurting myself and needed to stop. I’m 20 now and 10 pounds heavier (but still not quite back to normal…) and have been struggling big time accept my healthier size. It’s so refreshing to hear someone else just openly say that the modeling industry demands and unhealthy standard!
Also, you look gorgeous and so much more full of life than you did before! It’s very inspiring.
Julia- Thank you for sharing a bit of your story with me. I feel as though we took some of the same turns in our health paths! I agree that 5’10″ and size 0 is not healthy at all. (And it felt like sh!t! It hurt to sit even!) Major props to you for turning things around, darling!
This is such an inspirational post. Thank you so much for sharing. You are a beautiful girl and I hope your fabulousness rubs off on the modeling industry. You are glowing!
I LOVE this post <3.
Makes me SUPREMELY happy that there are people like you to give inspiration to those girls like me who are going through ED's right now.
Thank you
You are amazing!!!! And are certainly setting a great example to others. On top of that, you are more beautiful now than then. That’s for sure.
Body peace is so badass.
I also enjoy hearing how you’ve been able to come out of a more negative place (analyzing food, weight, what you think/say/wear). I’m still in this place and look up to you for just being YOU!
After reading this post, all I can say is thank you, thank you, thank you x 1,000,000 for writing it!
I am in the process of overcoming similar body issues, and while I have not reached the point of self-love and acceptance yet, I know I have made huge strides to getting there.
I too, have had a body that clothes hung off of. I almost manically pushed myself to get there and in retrospect, the reality of having a stick-like body is nowhere near the glamourous hype that it is esteemed to me. The world was perpetually cold, nothing I ever did was good enough, all of my accomplishments could have “been better”, and shopping for clothes wasn’t even gratifying. I had no boobs and no butt, my shape was that of a 12-year old child. And yet while I could see this, nothing was more terrifying than changing my obsessiveness about food. That would have meant losing the control and perfection I was searching for.
Now that I have gained about 20 pounds, my body feels significantly healthier. I can feel strength when I move. I don’t question everything I say or do to the same degree. My mind doesn’t seem run on a circular track over and over again, always coming to the same, hesitant conclusions.
Personally, I find that your curvier body is absolutely beautiful. You have inspired me incredibly and I would love to look as you do now.
Thank you so much! Your realistic honesty is both refreshing and relieving.
I have been a fan of your blog for a while now and just came across this post. WOW! That’s all I can really say. I was bawling my eyes out the whole time I was reading this. I, like you did have an eating disorder. I never know, or just didn’t want to admit what I was doing to my body. I have been working very hard for the past year and a half to move past my body issues, and it still affects me everyday. I just want to thank you for sharing your story and for being such an inspiration to myself and millions of women all over the world. You are truely a beautiful person inside and out.
you look like blake lively in your gold dress – stunning girl! you are truly beautiful inside & out
(I know this is an old post, but I was rereading the ones you put on your 7 links)
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