I started this blog when I was 21. That’s four years of life on my little spot on the internet. Those four years have seen the ups and downs of overcoming an eating disorder. They’ve seen me in two (failed) relationships. They’ve tracked incredible friendships that continue to flourish. They’ve witnessed my college graduation, tons of fun on weekends and my undying love for my family and spending time with them. There are about two years on this blog where I was (mostly) quietly unhappy, disappointed in myself for not doing more. I guess every year tracks the immense pressure I put (and continue to put) on myself. I’ve gained friends I still haven’t met. I’ve gained critics who’ve made me feel like shit and have also made me look at things differently. What I’ll always have, what I will keep here, is a place that tracks four huge years of my life.
Now, I’m 25. Four (four?) months ago I up and moved to Los Angeles. The people who really, truly know me were not surprised by this decision. Some said it was long overdue. These four months, a small fraction of the time I’ve had a blog, have remained off the blog, mostly unwritten. This is partially because I’m all over the place, but more than anything, it’s because I don’t want to share this part of my life yet. At least not here, on SnackFace, a blog that started with the sole intention of sharing food, exercise and healthy living tips via aspects of my own life.
What’s ironic is that I have more writing material now than ever. Every day here feels a week long. So much happens within a day, and I feel every part of it intensely. How this affects my writing serves this blog no good. Where this blog was filled with rote details of my day-to-day, my personal writing now is just me trying to capture emotions on a page. It’s cryptic to anyone but me right now. I can’t share the full story right now.
At 25, I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I’m more challenged than ever, yet I live more freely than I knew I could. I have no routines outside my job. Seriously. No workout routines, no regular meals or specific diets. I defined how well I was living by exercise and diet for so long, that now that I am free of it (red wine and popcorn for dinner? Don’t mind if I do…), writing about it here, again, seems futile. I read some of the blogs I’ve followed for years and think, “They’re still obsessed with sugar? They’re still struggling? They’re still measuring that out? They’re still trying to figure out how to stop overeating?” To which I say: You have to take a step back from it all in order to move forward. It’s not that I am cured/the smartest/know it all, it’s just that…why care that much? Why? I really don’t get it. Step away and you’ll find yourself not obsessing so much.
ANYWAY. Aside from that tangent…I started to filter every word, sentence, punctuation choice, picture choice, etc. For who? Why? Who am I going to piss off? I didn’t feel like subjecting myself to rude comments anymore, so I stopped being #me on my own blog. NO NO NO. That’s no way to be a writer or have a blog. Just no. (I think this paragraph is just me venting more. Moving on.)
So what’s life like now? I drive to work in the morning, singing and smiling in the sunshine, as I approach the Hollywood sign. I work all day, doing things I’d do in my free time, surrounded by people who crack me up and my BFF Tiff. After work, who knows? Go to the gym (rarely) and take a hip hop or yoga class with my fellow WeHo-ians. Go to happy hour-turned-dinner with coworkers and friends. Go shopping (browsing). Go to a champagne tasting. Go to Greystone/Vignette/Bootsy’s. Go to a Black Keys concert or see Solveig kick ass in the DJ booth. I’m not trying to inflate this; I’m really trying to tell you what this new life is like. The truth? It’s fucking awesome. But I’d sound like a jackass no matter how I try to share it right now.
At 25, I feel with every part of me that I’m starting down a new trajectory. That trajectory doesn’t include this blog, which has been a huge, influential part of my life. I see myself starting a new blog, but I’m just not sure when. I have loved this blog and having all of you here with me. I cannot thank you enough for making my life different. Not everyone has people— strangers— there to support them through their early twenties. That’s been a very special gift I’ll carry with me forever. Though I won’t be posting here anymore (there might be a random post every now and then…but…might), I will still be a Twitter and Insta-hofessional.
So, my loves, I am taking my own advice. I am saying ciao to the last four years. I am letting go. I am stepping away from this all so I can fully move forward. Twenty-five is going to be incredible. I love you all. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Ciao for now,