I started this blog when I was 21. That’s four years of life on my little spot on the internet. Those four years have seen the ups and downs of overcoming an eating disorder. They’ve seen me in two (failed) relationships. They’ve tracked incredible friendships that continue to flourish. They’ve witnessed my college graduation, tons of fun on weekends and my undying love for my family and spending time with them. There are about two years on this blog where I was (mostly) quietly unhappy, disappointed in myself for not doing more. I guess every year tracks the immense pressure I put (and continue to put) on myself. I’ve gained friends I still haven’t met. I’ve gained critics who’ve made me feel like shit and have also made me look at things differently. What I’ll always have, what I will keep here, is a place that tracks four huge years of my life.

Now, I’m 25. Four (four?) months ago I up and moved to Los Angeles. The people who really, truly know me were not surprised by this decision. Some said it was long overdue. These four months, a small fraction of the time I’ve had a blog, have remained off the blog, mostly unwritten. This is partially because I’m all over the place, but more than anything, it’s because I don’t want to share this part of my life yet. At least not here, on SnackFace, a blog that started with the sole intention of sharing food, exercise and healthy living tips via aspects of my own life.

What’s ironic is that I have more writing material now than ever. Every day here feels a week long. So much happens within a day, and I feel every part of it intensely. How this affects my writing serves this blog no good. Where this blog was filled with rote details of my day-to-day, my personal writing now is just me trying to capture emotions on a page. It’s cryptic to anyone but me right now. I can’t share the full story right now.

At 25, I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I’m more challenged than ever, yet I live more freely than I knew I could. I have no routines outside my job. Seriously. No workout routines, no regular meals or specific diets. I defined how well I was living by exercise and diet for so long, that now that I am free of it (red wine and popcorn for dinner? Don’t mind if I do…), writing about it here, again, seems futile. I read some of the blogs I’ve followed for years and think, “They’re still obsessed with sugar? They’re still struggling? They’re still measuring that out? They’re still trying to figure out how to stop overeating?” To which I say: You have to take a step back from it all in order to move forward. It’s not that I am cured/the smartest/know it all, it’s just that…why care that much? Why? I really don’t get it. Step away and you’ll find yourself not obsessing so much.

ANYWAY. Aside from that tangent…I started to filter every word, sentence, punctuation choice, picture choice, etc. For who? Why? Who am I going to piss off? I didn’t feel like subjecting myself to rude comments anymore, so I stopped being #me on my own blog. NO NO NO. That’s no way to be a writer or have a blog. Just no. (I think this paragraph is just me venting more. Moving on.)

So what’s life like now? I drive to work in the morning, singing and smiling in the sunshine, as I approach the Hollywood sign. I work all day, doing things I’d do in my free time, surrounded by people who crack me up and my BFF Tiff. After work, who knows? Go to the gym (rarely) and take a hip hop or yoga class with my fellow WeHo-ians. Go to happy hour-turned-dinner with coworkers and friends. Go shopping (browsing). Go to a champagne tasting. Go to Greystone/Vignette/Bootsy’s. Go to a Black Keys concert or see Solveig kick ass in the DJ booth. I’m not trying to inflate this; I’m really trying to tell you what this new life is like. The truth? It’s fucking awesome. But I’d sound like a jackass no matter how I try to share it right now.

At 25, I feel with every part of me that I’m starting down a new trajectory. That trajectory doesn’t include this blog, which has been a huge, influential part of my life. I see myself starting a new blog, but I’m just not sure when. I have loved this blog and having all of you here with me. I cannot thank you enough for making my life different. Not everyone has people— strangers— there to support them through their early twenties. That’s been a very special gift I’ll carry with me forever. Though I won’t be posting here anymore (there might be a random post every now and then…but…might), I will still be a Twitter and Insta-hofessional.

So, my loves, I am taking my own advice. I am saying ciao to the last four years. I am letting go. I am stepping away from this all so I can fully move forward. Twenty-five is going to be incredible. I love you all. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Ciao for now,

Kailey

Listen, I am well aware that my blog is hanging on by a thread right now. It’s just limping along. Actually, not even that. It’s been dead for a month. (HOW MANY METAPHORS CAN I USE TO DESCRIBE THIS?)

I have been busy. Busy working out in the morning. Busy working (a.k.a. blogging) all day. Busy having FUN at night. While having said fun, I have been going HAM to songs that I just need to share with my people! And by “my people” I mean the few of you out there who love a good Hip Hop Happy Friday list and still have me in your Google Reader.

My daytime music has consisted of a ton of Imagine Dragons, The Avett Brothers and The Killers, but to amp me up for the gym at 5:45 a.m. (barfola but so necessary) and to get my dance on at night, I turn to favorites like those listed below.

Love and miss you all! Now dance:

Lost One – Jay-Z (a warm-up)

Muthaf*cka Up – Tyga (now you’re ready for this)

Bitch Bad – Lupe Fiasco

I Look Good – Chalie Boy

Slow Down – Clyde Carson

Wobble – V.I.C.

Awesome – Plies

Don’t Like.1 – Kanye GOOD Music

Bandz A Make Her Dance – Juicy J

Lamborghini Angels – Lupe Fiasco

Slight Work – Wale

Swimming Pools (Drank) – Kendrick Lamar

Pop That – French Montana

Amen – Meek Mill

Ball – T.I. ft. Lil Wayne

Popsicle, this is for you!

We had a little work event in Santa Monica over the weekend. It’s stunning over there! It’s kind of sad that the beach is only 20 minutes away, yet I rarely see it because I’m always running around West Hollywood and Hollywood. ANYWAY, I mostly posted this because my dad was begging me to get the dishwasher pic off the main page. Point taken.

xoxo

Once upon a time, we used a dishwasher as a means to keep food cool. (Definitely cool, not cold.)At first it was hilarious, interesting— a fun challenge. And then it became obnoxious. We grew tired of feeling like squatters in our own apartment.

One Sunday, we beelined to the back left corner of Best Buy on Santa Monica and La Brea. We stopped for no one. Except sweet Nick, who helped us select the most affordable (cheapest) option. Nick took all my information. I gave him my housewife’s number for secure delivery while I was at work.

Our lives have changed.

There’s something about a stocked fridge that makes me feel like a real citizen. A decently stocked cabinet doesn’t hurt, either.

Now I have a little more control. I can plan things. I know my food people feel me. No longer is it, “Holy sh!t I’m starving NOW and there’s nothing to eat!” Nope. I can be the grazer, the snackface I’m meant to be. I can make salads in mixing bowls. Today has been the first Sunday in LA that’s actually felt like a Sunday. I didn’t wake up and go to someone’s pool or go bar hopping for a Sunday Funday. I stayed in on Saturday night and did nothing but read. READ. Who am I and what am I becoming?!! Mind you, I was sucked into Babe Walker’s White Girl Problems. I’m almost finished. It’s Clueless 2.0.

Anyway, I woke up feeling refreshed and ready to put my health first. My roomie and I went to the gym, sauna-ed, bought protein powder and PB2 on the way home. Showered. Went to Ralph’s for groceries. Went to Target for supplements and house supplies. Napped. Got my second-ever pedicure. Made my own dinner. Freaked out over a phone blip. Talked to my mom. And now I’m blogging, which I used to do every Sunday night for almost three years.

My life over the past several months has been a bit like the fridge situation. I emptied it and have been working on restocking it. Sometimes you have to start fresh. It feels a little barren or messy in the process, but eventually, it feels fuller than ever. You have more options than you know what to do with. Life is fully stocked now. Full. Happy.

Ciao for now,

Kailey

I’ve recently started going to the gym before work (there’s too much to do afterward that I don’t want to miss out on…#FOMO!), which leaves me eating two meals at work. Former me would have frowned upon this. Just too much eating at a desk, you know? Over it!

But I’ve adjusted to this new, on-the-go style of eating Monday through Friday and I don’t mind a bit. And if I can stick to it, I’ll be saving a bit of money.

Here’s what I’m packing for breakfast and lunch this week!

Yes, it’s that time. I’m not even going to deny that I’m one of those people. I am. I love pumpkin everything. I went to Starbucks the day the pumpkin spice latte made its return. (Of course it was too hot in LA to even contemplate a latte, but an iced coffee with a pump of pumpkin still satisfied a craving.) Pumpkin puree, plain Greek yogurt, half a banana, maple syrup, cinnamon and peanut butter. Dope.

Salad for lunch is the easiest option for me, and if I pack vegetables, I eat vegetables. No self sabotage here. (Minus that box of crackers that lasted two days. And the office peanut M&Ms.) Spinach, green beans, heirloom tomato, avocado, smoked turkey, carrot ginger dressing and Sriracha. Absolutely perfect.

The packed life isn’t so bad.

Ciao for now,

Kailey

Question: What are your favorite packable meals? 

A best friend knows that you’ll always love your roots. She also knows that sometimes you need to be reminded of it. She knows this is the place in which your friendship was born. Its shape the name of the university that brought you together.

A best friend knows that after years of struggle, this spoon is just fun. But she remembers and helped and lived through your overcoming a time when eating freely was an option you never gave yourself. Now we’re killing demons and killing cereal. Now we’re laughing in the face of it. One word: overcome. (Overcome!)

Muffin, thank you for the incredible housewarming gifts! They could not be more perfect! Love you. Now get to LA.

xoxo,

Kailey

“Are you eating?”

This is the question my mother has asked me consistently starting the moment I moved to LA. I don’t blame her. LA— land of obsession and an odd ideal of beauty— can have an impact on a gal. Especially when one gal in particular is called out on being “corn fed” or, my personal favorite, “pleasantly plump.” Conversely, that gal has outright been told her appearance is the opposite of those. Don’t even get me started on the number of times a day height is the topic of discussion.

LA is a strange place in which people feel they can openly comment about another’s body. To me, it’s mostly hilarious. And weird. Yeah, definitely still weird.

Oddly enough, in such an image-driven city, I’ve been eating extremely well. Luxuriously, even. Most of it is due to the fact we’ve been fridge-less. Wednesday, September 5, is a huge day, my friends. Our fridge arrives. Greek yogurt, cartons of hummus, eggs, cucumbers, greens, grapes, berries, almond milk— these are the foods I daydream about. And ice! Ice! Such a commodity.

But let’s take a look at the collage (I have a slight obsession with collages right now). That’s what my eats have been like lately, and it’s been fabulous. In detail (from right to left):

1. Tuna niçoise salad with potato leek soup from The Mercantile.

2. Plain Quaker quick oats with peanut butter and strawberry jelly from my kitch!

3. Trio of baba ghanouj, tapenade and hummus with pita from Ulysses Voyage at The Grove.

4. Some pretty, delicious drink from Laurel Hardware.

5. Egg and pork chop from Laurel Hardware (I didn’t even think I liked pork chops prior to this).

6. Hummus plate from the French Quarter Market (whose site has really sexy music that plays automatically…always a fun treat).

7. Fruit, granola and yogurt plate from Laurel Hardware (obviously someone has found a favorite place).

8. The Gangster from…this is getting embarrassing.

9. Chicken, brown rice and california roll bowl from a little hole in the wall.

10. Salad from Whole Foods (multiply this by 20).

11. All Hail Kale salad from Veggie Grill (the only kale salad I crave).

Ciao for now,

Kailey

Question: If you didn’t have a fridge, what perishable food would you miss the most?

It’s time. Time to start blogging regularly again. Time to be a little bolder, brighter, smarter. Time to reconnect with my blogging peeps. I have had a crazy, life-changing summer, and I couldn’t be happier. Finally, I’m ready to write about it. “It” being life now.

I’ve been doing a lot of this:

Sunday funday? Every day funday.

And not enough of this:

Pumping iron, eating right.

I have been consistent in self-photography, though. Some things never change.

August was a month of enormous change and endless celebration. Dare I even say it was my favorite month ever. I have no idea what September has in store for me, but I would like to start doing more #me things. Things like working out regularly, eating better (FINALLY getting a fridge on Wednesday), reading more, writing more and blogging consistently.

The Scorpio in me needs time to sit, think and reflect, and I haven’t given myself that time until this weekend. Today, I had a long Skype chat with the whole family. The first thing my grandmother said was, “Looks like you’re not putting on weight! That’s good!” Hysterical. Seeing the faces of my family absolutely made my week. Shortly after the Skype convo, I received a text from my best friend Muffin saying that she is coming to visit in October. After floating for a month, I needed that family time and soon-to-be BFF time to ground me.

My hope for September is that I feel bolder, brighter, smarter by the end of it. Thanks to 17 years of schooling, September has always felt like the start of a new year. It probably always will for me. Summer 2012, you’ve been good to me. Fall 2012, let’s do this.

To kick off September, I’m reading and re-reading my favorite poem. I first read it in 2009; what it meant to me then versus how I interpret it now has evolved immensely. L.O.V.E. it.

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

— “Love After Love” by Derek Walcott

I would love to know what your goals for September or hopes for the new school year (yes, I still miss college, OK?) are!

Ciao for now,

Kailey

Life, much like this collage, has been all over the place. But in the most wonderful way. I have no sense of normalcy. Sure, I go to work Monday through Friday, 9 a.m. to 6 p.m., but what happens the rest of the time is completely unpredictable.

I’ve been living like I’m on a permanent vacation. In countless ways, it’s effing awesome. In other ways, it’s been less pleasant. Talking on a large scale isn’t helpful to you guys, though. What I’m saying is that though I’ve always been confused about the word balance, it becomes tiring when you have absolutely no sense of it.

When I was in Ohio, my schedule rarely veered off course. Wake up, get ready for work, go to work, go to the gym, go home, shower, write, sleep. Repeat until Friday. Now, though, my after-school (I mean WORK) schedule is as busy as my 9 to 6. Tonight, for example, I’m going to the gym to take a class or two, then going to a dancer/choreographer event in Hollywood. I see time differently. It used to be the strict metronome to which, if I missed one beat, I completely lost rhythm. I had to stay on the beat. But now, it’s all my own… and I’m trying to figure out how to manage my own rhythm and my own time.

Maybe what I’m feeling fully for the first time in my life is independence. Just maybe. But that sounds too serious. I don’t have to figure it out or label it or decide how I should feel about it just yet. I’d rather say… you know this thing called life? I’m just living it.

Exactly four weeks ago today, I wrapped up my last day at my first post-college job. And today, I start a brand new job with a thriving, growing company. That it’s been a mere four weeks blows my mind. I feel as though I have a whole new life now. The people I’ve met, the connections I’ve made, the new relationships I’ve formed— I am astonished.

Life has been a treat lately. Every single day is an adventure filled with new places to explore and friends to be made. (And let’s be real— mistakes to be made, too.) Part of me thinks this has come all too easily. But I know this is what I’ve worked for and wanted my whole life.

There’s a current that’s carried me since the day I decided I was going to move. Call the current drive; call it perfect alignment. I trusted it, though, and thank god I did. I talked to my mom about this yesterday as I was ellipticizing in my new-to-me West Hollywood neighborhood gym. I said, “I’ve only been happier and happier since I took control.” But it’s strange; I haven’t exactly tried to control everything.

I’ve just had immense faith in my instinct. I tried to ignore what it was telling me for too long, so choosing to listen to no one but myself was my regaining control of myself and my life. But since that moment, I kind of let go. I put myself in a situation in which I had no other option but to figure it out. And figure it out, I did.

Four weeks ago, I said goodbye to the coworkers I’d grown to love immensely. Three weeks ago, I packed two huge suitcases and one carry-on and flew to Los Angeles. Two weeks ago, I signed a lease for my very first apartment. One week ago, I received a job offer. This week, I start a new job that I am stoked about and grateful for.

A lot has changed, but I’ve never felt more “me.” I am happy and excited about life. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, and now I feel that way every day.

Ciao for now,

Kailey

P.S. I know these journal-style posts can be drab or draining, but my wi-fi is still rocky. I have tons of restaurant + social life + crazy stories to share once I get wi-fi nailed down!